I am so not an interior decorator

I've been trying to figure out Twitter for a couple weeks now, and I still can't bring myself to get into it. I don't have a ton of followers, which I can't say I'm too broken up about. So if I have something witty or pithy to say about what I'm doing, I really don't feel like wasting it on Twitter. So I just post it on facebook where everyone knows my name and loves me and appreciates my humor. That's right, everyone.

This is only minorly related, but one time when I was in college there was this girl who I thought was really cool. I told my real friends that I wanted to be her best friend, even though one time me and the cool girl did some errand or something together and it was total Awkwardsville. So after that announcement, my friends and I always joked about her being my best friend even though in real life, we had the kind of relationship where you avert your eyes when you see the other walking towards you on campus and pretend you don't see each other. Not to be mean, but just because you can't stomach the thought of having the painful experience of forcing small talk or a bubbly "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!" I think what I really liked about her was her clothes and her hair. I know, I'm a total loser.

But whenever one of my real friends would see her, they'd always come back to me later and be like "I saw your best friend today!" and we'd make unnecessarily long jokes about what me and my best friend had been up to. It really was funny, I promise.

So the reason for that blast from the past is that there are some Twitter ladies that I think are really cool and I mentally joke with myself that they are my best friends. I refuse to name them because on the off-chance they read this blog, they will never even be e-friends with me because I'm such a nerd that I have an inside joke with myself. But what I'm about to reveal will identify them anyway so I'm just going to do it.

Some of these girls are doing a Twitter house party (or something) where they give a picture tour of their homes. I would never participate in this for many reasons.

1) The last time I ever felt truly 100% comfortable with having people in my house was last summer when D and I had a house warming party (2+ years after actually purchasing the house, but whatever). D and I straightened like mad people and then had his aunt come to do a deep cleaning. She was there when I left for work in the morning, and when I came home she was still there. Her face was bright red and she was sweating. That is how dirty my house was, not even kidding.

2) I have painter's remorse. I thought the color we painted our bedroom was totally contemporary and awesome. We did two walls bright white and two walls green. Asparagus. But if I'm being honest, it's lime. At first I loved it. My mom bought us a comforter from Crate and Barrel the Christmas after we painted, and I found curtains that matched pretty well. I was so pumped. The unfortunate thing is that the comforter and curtains are attractive while the walls are not. So not. Dan teases me because he is awesome at picking paint and the one room in our house that is a puke color is the room that I picked the paint for. And our downstairs bathroom, but that's only because it's the same paint job as when we moved in (purple, grey and white sponge paint; it's even uglier than it sounds). The only reason we haven't painted that bathroom is because it needs a complete overhaul and a new paint job would only expose the other abominable flaws that exist in there.

3) Nowhere in our house do we have matching furniture except in L's nursery. And that's only because my dad is awesome and made us the crib, changing table/dresser and side table. My parents also gave me the rocker that my dad bought for my mom while they were stationed overseas and my mom was pregnant with me. So almost every single piece of furniture in L's room has deep meaning for me. Oddly enough, L's room is one of the only ones I feel good about showing people.

4) D and I are not good at decorating walls. When I was home on leave, I got really into it and ordered pictures and bought frames but then when I went to do one of the collages I opened the frame to see that it was broken. I returned the frame to Kohls, got a store credit, wandered to the baby clothes and it ended there. If I ever get to stay at home, that will be one of my projects. In addition to finally ordering pictures from our wedding.

5) There are some things that exist in our house from when the house was built in the 60's that we are not able to fix at this point. Like the entire kitchen. It is truly awful. The walls are paneled in a nasty white-blonde panel that I hate with every fiber of my being. The floors are a laminate stone pattern that hides dirt well (the only good thing about it) but is so hideous. The counters are ok but not my style. The cabinets are cheap and white. Our entire kitchen is so washed out that sometimes I have a hard time locating it. But then I just look for the kitchen table with the stacks of mail on it and that helps.

So needless to say, I don't plan on showing my house to anyone at this point in time, let alone virtual strangers. (Like my play on words? That's the kind of literary device that I would never waste on Twitter.) D and I do have plans to clean. Rather, I have plans for us to clean this Friday. And then D promised that once we got things straightened up, we could call his aunt to come back here. And after that I have a very strict plan to keep the house clean. I promise.