One year ago today

I have been trying and trying all week to get a post up about eating at restaurants with a very active toddler, but I just can't do it! I started writing it on Monday, and have literally returned to it each day since then, trying to add to it and get it finished and posted. And it's not even because it's bad (which is usually why a post would get the fatal categorization of "draft", never to be heard from again) . There's actually some semi-decent stuff there.

For Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I have no excuse. For today, I actually do have an excuse. How can I write about eating out when today, all I can think about is the fact that one year ago today (currently, it is 11:40 a.m.), I was blissfully unaware that I was thisclose to embarking upon 13 hours of pain, agony and exhaustion that would open up a whole new world of pain, agony and exhaustion (well, ok, maybe not pain and agony but definitely the exhaustion part).

One year ago today, I was almost at my doctor's appointment. The 39 week check-up at which my water would break after my doctor told me I was 2 centimeters dilated and right on track to deliver on schedule.

One year ago right now, I was waddling as fast as I could all over my office, trying to get a huge rush job finished before the work day was over.

One year ago 35 minutes from now, my doctor would laugh and tell me no, I couldn't go back to work, that I had to go to the hospital because I was in labor and was going to have a baby.

One year ago 45 minutes from now, I'd stop at the receptionist's desk on the way out of my doctor's office, pale as a ghost with a stricken look on my face as the receptionist excitedly congratulated me on reaching the end zone of pregnancy.

One year ago 50 minutes from now, I'd call D, telling him I was in labor and on my way home and that we needed to get to the hospital.

One year ago 52 minutes from now, I'd call my mom and break into panicked sobs that I don't know what I was thinking getting pregnant and that I was scared and that I couldn't believe I was about to have a baby.

You get the picture.

How can I focus on a post about L screaming in restaurants when all I can think about are my incredibly vivid memories of the day that changed my life forever?

Compared to all my big life moments, I'd have to say that having a baby was the most life-altering. Yeah, moving out of state for college was pretty life-altering. Sure, getting married was definitely life-altering. But having a baby? It changes things in ways that can never be undone.

In so many ways, I can't believe it's been a year since L made his debut in the outside world. The time has gone by so quickly, all in a blur.

In other ways, I can barely remember my life without him, as though he's been here forever. Well, I take that back. I can remember my life without him, but it's almost as if someone else entirely was the one that lived that life.

And now, my guy is almost one year old. Tonight, I'll put him down to bed a baby, as I have done for the last year (ok, more like the last 9 months or so, after he was sleep trained and could actually be put down to bed for the night). Then, at 1:42 a.m. while the whole house sleeps (and while D works), my baby will turn into a little boy.

And it seems fitting that this morning, when I dropped him off at daycare, he took his first real walk by making it 10 consecutive steps without falling down. I am so happy I was able to see him reach that milestone, as it seems I miss so many while I'm at work.

Tomorrow morning I'll officially be the mother of a toddler.