Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The one in which I explode celeb gossip everywhere

Ok, I know this is not a celebrity gossip blog. It's supposed to be a blog about how I work and I'm a mom and I write memos and all that.

Unfortunately for you all, you are a captive audience (if the word "captive" means that you could literally click the 'x' in the right-hand corner at any time and stop reading the words I write that occasionally form sentences and make sense). Further unfortunately for you all, I suffer from a severe shortage of people in my daily life who care as much as I do about celebrity gossip. Scratch that, I suffer from a severe shortage of people in my life in general who care as much as I do about celebrity gossip. And reality t.v.

So because of this shortage, you are now going to suffer. Because I'm having lots of thoughts about lots of celebrity gossip right now and D literally could not care less and anyone that might care a little, tiny bit is working right now or otherwise unavailable. Or they don't exist. You decide which. Either way, this post is going to be a big, old jumble of what I think about current celeb gossip. Merry Christmas early!

Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift: I am calling BS and blowing this shiz wide open. This is huge for me. Normally, I tend to be very trusting of relationships with evidential proof (such as canoodling caught on camera and run on the cover of US Weekly). I'm not so trusting that I'll believe what Star Magazine prints, but I assume it's only a matter of time. Anyway, despite my very trusting nature, I can't bring myself to believe all these shenanigans about this alleged relationship between Jake (29) and Taylor (20).

For one thing, though I don't know him personally, I feel like Jake is something of an intellectual. Not saying that Taylor is not, but there's a huge difference between an intellectual 29 year old and an intellectual 20 year old. And I can't really imagine what they talk about.

For another thing, Jake's last girlfriend was Reese Witherspoon, a 34 year old, divorced mother of two. They were together for a long time (long according to Hollywood standards, anyway - like 2 or 3 years, I think). Taylor's last boyfriend was Taylor Lautner, the 18 year old guy from Twilight who makes grown women feel guilty for being attracted to a kid who could still technically be attending high school. I don't even think I need to expound further on this one, it speaks for itself.

Finally, Taylor's new album just dropped and Jake has a new movie that either just came out or is coming out this weekend. Nothing like the free publicity a "relationship" can give. Bam. Case closed.

Mariah Carey is Pregnant: Ok, so maybe I'm stretching it on the "current" part, since this is relatively old news. But even though I'm not a super huge fan of Mariah Carey, I am happy for her. I know she's struggled with fertility issues and miscarriages and has been talking for years about how she wants to have a baby. Having been there myself, I found myself really pulling for her to get her wish and get pregnant.

And when she was photographed stepping out in a dress from A Pea in the Pod this summer (yet still denying she was pregnant), I knew she must be pregnant because when you've been trying and trying to get pregnant and have had miscarriages and all that, you try not to even look at - let alone wear - maternity clothes. I was happy when she finally confirmed the rumors that had been swirling for months, and am happy for her still.

And lucky for her, if anyone tries to pull any of the "just wait till the baby is here" crap on her to rain on her parade, she can laugh in their faces and introduce them to the 3 or 4 baby nurses she's hired to help her so she can still get her beauty sleep. And even further in that train of thought, she probably pays people to only say nice, happy, positive things to her, so she probably doesn't even have to deal with those "friendly" warnings.

Kim Zolciak is Pregnant: Ugh. Someone please stab me with a pencil. If you don't know who Kim Zolciak is, I am both sorry and happy for you. She's a Real Housewife of Atlanta, and a big, hot mess. (Also, I realize that my writing about her here gives her credit as a "celebrity", but please know that even I am aware that labeling her as such is a huge stretch.) She already has two daughters who are something like 13 and 8, and they are both SPOILED with a capital SPOILED. Kim is a train wreck who is so clearly a gold digger that she's about 2 seconds away from getting a custom neon sign to hang over head that reads "Sugar Daddies Welcome".

Her latest victim is a 25 year old NFL-er whom she met while filming an episode of Real Housewives. Kim claims she is 32 (I'd like to see some ID, please), so it's not a huge age difference, but still. You gotta feel a little bad for this guy. He's young, obviously naieve, and most of all, an idiot. Judging from the fact that she's managed to stay un-pregnant during her years-long relationship with her mysterious married boyfriend, I'm willing to bet at least $5 that Kim got pregnant by this football dude on purpose. Maybe even $10. Bottom line: she is icky.

Two of Kate Gosselin's Kids May or May Not Be Expelled from School: This whole situation just makes me sad. I've tried to watch Kate Plus 8 a few times, and all it did was make me want to punch Kate in the solar plexus (yes, I had to look up how to spell "solar plexus") so I had to stop. Watching her flirt with the guys who were power washing the siding on her house while simultaneously ignoring her children (or yell at them when they tried to talk to her) was too strong a trigger for my vomit reflex.

The thing with Kate is that I really feel for her sometimes. If you go back to the original episodes of Jon & Kate+8, she really was a different person back then. She was harried to be sure, but she seemed much happier. She was slightly more easy-going, a little bit fatter and decidedly more badly dressed. Jon was less of a douchelord robot back then, too, so I'm sure that helped matters. But it seemed like once she got her free tummy tuck, everything started going to her head. And we, the American people, witnessed the crumbling of her marriage from our couches.
So yeah, maybe she shouldn't have put her kids on tv like that, but I am not sure I wouldn't have done the same thing if put in her place. I mean, probably not, but still. If someone from TLC came up to me and told me that they wanted to film my life and pay me lots of money that would ensure a certain amount of financial security for my suddenly huge family, I might have a hard time saying no to that.

Anyway, in addition to getting long-winded, I'm also getting away from the point of all this. Her children are acting up in school. It is painfully obvious that they don't even know what to do with themselves in all this backlash and hoopla about their parents' divorce and the fact that their entire lives have been viewed by millions and are organized into episodes rather than years. And what does Kate do? She runs to Entertainment Tonight to give them an interview about all the details.

I think it would be better for those kids if Kate would just pull the plug on all this TLC business, take her kids out of the limelight, and go back to being a nurse. Meanwhile, she should milk douchetastic Jon for as much child support as she can get. Will this mean a significant cut in their standard of living? Absolutely. But I'm pretty sure Jon is a walking billboard for Ed Hardy, so that has to generate some type of solid revenue. And anyway, I personally know lots of families who have more children and waaaaay less money, and they do just fine for themselves. In fact, their annual income is probably about what Kate spends on tanning and personal trainers. You know, the real bare necessities of life. Clearly, I could keep going on this one. I could probably dedicate an entire series of posts to what I think about the Gosselins, but I am going to force myself to stop here on this one.

The Kardashians in General: What can I say? I love them. I know you probably think a lot less of me now. I'm sorry. They are famous for being famous, and I have to respect that about them. They're not annoyingly famous for being famous like Heidi and Spencer (both of whom I hate down to the very core of my cold, bitter heart). They are entertainingly famous for being famous. They have created a huge empire out of just being who they are. I watch their show (yeah, I admitted it!) and I love it (so there!). They make me wish I had sisters.

I am obsessed with them. I want Kourtney to drop Scott once and for all and move on with her adorable son Mason before it's too late and Scott raises Mason to be just like him. I love Khloe and Lamar and want them to have lots of babies and stay married forever. I want Kim to find some hot star of some type and settle down and be happy. Ideally, she'd settle down with Reggie Bush because, for some reason, I just like the two of them together.

Jessica Simpson is Engaged: This makes me happy. I like her. I loved Newlyweds and was truly sad when she and Nick called it quits. Jess has endured some hard knocks from the media about her weight, and that automatically endears her to me. Finally, a celebrity who ACTUALLY struggles with her weight. Not like those annoying waif biotches who are all like, "Oh my gosh, I eat soooooo much all the time, I just have a high metabolism." Whatever.

Whenever Jess would get into a relationship (I suspect her of being a serial monogamist), I'd hope against hope that it would work out for her. And whenever the relationship would inevitably go kaput, I'd be sad for her. So even though I also strongly suspect the timing of this engagement (since Nick Lachey coincidentally also got engaged the week before), I will push those concerns from my mind and just be happy that she is hopefully happy and in love.

And that's all I've got right now. I hope you weren't too bored. I promise not to make this a regular occurrence, but out of consideration for my dear husband, I decided it would be best for our marriage if I got all this out to the dark abyss that is the internet instead of subjecting him to my thoughts and being met with a disappointing, "I. DON'T. CAAAAAAAARE."

I can't promise I won't do this again, though, so every time you stop by my blog, it will be like Russian Roulette. Will you get a blank or will you get a bullet? There's only one way to find out.


Mallory said...

Katie, I don't want to scare you by commenting so quickly after you posted this but... I loved this post.

I can understand why we are friends, I share your views on all of these topics.

I totally agree that Jake/Taylor is suspect... and I genuinely like the Kardashians! I really thought that I was the only one!

Kate Clower said...

ROFL! I just found your blog through another blogger who randomly commented on my blog. Holy hysterical. I'm a working mom, too...my baby girl is 3 months. Count me in as a regular follower now!

Nonimor said...

OK, so I am not a celebrity watcher but the thing I can identify with about this post is the husband that says "I. DON'T. CAAAAAAAARE." I HATE that. We've had fights in the grocery store aisle where I say something like, oh, I wish they would leave poor Jennifer Aniston alone and he says: I don't care. Pushes a button with me for sure.