Sometimes I think my world would be a better place if everyone would just lower their expectations of me. And I totally don't mean that in a cynical or emo way at all. It's just something I've been thinking about lately.
I guess having a baby makes you think about all sorts of things you'd never think about otherwise. But I was thinking about it this morning after I dropped L off at daycare. I had set him down and was talking to the daycare lady and when I opened the door to leave, I turned to L playing on the floor and said, "Bye baby, I love you!" and waved (as I always do). And for the very first time ever, he looked at me, grinned his huge grin and waved back. It thrilled me to no end.
And as I walked back to my van, I got to thinking. How funny is it that the simple act of waving turned my first day of the workweek blues completely around? And how come no one ever gets excited when I wave?
Then I started thinking about all the things I do that if L did, I'd die of excitement. Talking, for one. Walking. Drinking from a straw without choking myself after every sip. Sitting still in church. Sitting still anywhere.
And yet, all these things are entirely under-appreciated when I do them. No one shrieks with excitement when I say "mama". No one breaks out the video camera when I walk across the room. Not that I would want them to. That would actually be really unsettling.
But some days, it would be really, really awesome if I would walk into work and have everyone go, "Hey, look at you! You made it! You got yourself and your baby out the door on time, you're dressed in an outfit that coordinates and you're not outwardly cursing the world. Yay, good job!" (Round of applause and cheering)
Or when I come home from grocery shopping: "WOO HOO! You're under-budget and you managed to buy everything on the list plus some! And look at that, you saved 26% with coupons! You are AWESOME!" (High-fives and congratulatory hugs)
So maybe what I'm getting at is not so much a lowering of expectations; more like an increase in recognition. I'm not asking for a huge cheering section every time I tie my shoes. That would probably have the reverse effect. Like, "You think I'm so stupid that I need you to throw a parade for me when I do a simple task?"
But I wouldn't mind an occasional 'atta-girl for coming to work day after day and constantly suppressing the urge to say even one of the huge number of things that I'd really, really like to say. But then, I'd probably need someone to be in my head to hear all the things I wish I could say but don't, and I don't think I'd wish that on anyone. They would probably lose all will to live. And they'd probably hate me. And I don't really like the idea of anyone hating me (even if I don't particularly care for them).
So maybe I'll just start giving myself my own props. Since there is no one inside my head, there is no one to hear me when I'm patting myself on the back for making that awesome spreadsheet or successfully preparing a new recipe. Therefore, there is no one to think I'm crazy or full of myself.
Note to self: Look at you! You finally managed to crank out a blog post! Even with how crazy work and home have been! You rock! 'Atta girl!