In case you have never been pregnant, or in case you've never had a friend or family member who was/is pregnant, I'm going to fill you in on a little something about pregnancy: it is a breeding ground for anxiety; a veritable petri dish for worries and fears and angst.
Unfortunately for me and for those who love me most, I am already an anxious person by nature. Over time, I've been able to get a little bit more of a grip on myself, which is good because I'm pretty sure that if I'd kept up on the path I was following, I'd be alone in a tiny studio apartment living on Ramen noodles. (And somewhere, any college students who read my blog are like, "HEY! What's the matter with that?" And I'll grant you, some days that sounds pretty darn good to me. So maybe that wasn't a good comparison.)
So combine my natural tendency towards sweating the small, medium and big stuff with pregnancy and the result you get is not always pretty. There is SO much to worry about when you're pregnant. You have to worry about what you eat and drink (a biggie for me). You have to worry about how you sleep. You have to worry about how much weight you gain (talk about a nightmare). You have to worry about spontaneously turning diabetic. And let's not forget the teeny, tiny worry about what you have to do to bring this miracle into the outside world.
I think my biggest worry, though, is about the health of the baby I have yet to meet face to face. And my worries tend to get a little on the wackadoo side of things.
The other night, D and I were watching tv in bed and I was talking to him about how excited I was for our ultrasound (that is today, by the way!!). I love the mid-point ultrasound because it's not just a quick look-and-see. They measure everything and take a good look to make sure things are in order, so you get to see your kiddo for a good 15 minutes.
Anyway, for some crazy reason, we started talking about hermaphrodites. D almost never indulges my crazy anxieties, but sometimes I can get him into it.
I was like, "OMG D, what if our baby is BOTH GENDERS?!?!"
And he was like, "Come on, that's not going to happen."
"But what if it does? We would have to decide what gender we want our baby to be? HOW CAN WE BE EXPECTED TO MAKE THAT KIND OF DECISION?!?"
And we went on from there, weighing the pros and cons for both genders, in case our baby turns out to be a hermaphrodite and we have to choose. And then it got me thinking about what would happen if we were to choose "wrong". What if the baby really is a girl, but we make it a boy? We'll basically be sealing the deal on a lifetime of confusion for our kid.
So now, I'm a little bit worried that at our ultrasound today, the tech is going to be like, "Hmmm...that's funny." And then she'll say, "Well, it's a good thing you don't want to know the gender because I don't know what it is."
Obviously, there is a significant amount of worry that goes into being the parent of "outside" children. But for me, the worry that goes along with "inside" children is far worse. At least with my outside baby, I can see if there's something wrong. With my inside baby, I have no clue.
It must be life's way to even things out. I am blessed with relatively easy pregnancies, so for me, my children are the lowest maintenance that they'll ever be while they're on the inside. Lest I enjoy pregnancy too much, the ridiculous anxieties need to be thrown in so that I'm not super cocky and braggy and also so that the women with awful, difficult pregnancies don't want to knock me out.
For the sake of my sanity, I really hope my baby doesn't turn out to be a hermaphrodite on the ultrasound today. As all mothers do, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and praying that all turns out well and that Le Bebe Nombre Deux is healthy as a horse. But not as big as a horse. Please God, not as big as a horse.