Things I have done to try to make this baby come

Hey, lucky you! Two posts in two days! And bonus, they are both about how I want this baby to be born! How happy are you that you clicked over here?

Since I'm driving myself crazy wondering when 2.0 will come, I figured I'd let you in on just how crazy I am so you can have a laugh at my expense. In my defense, some of things have only been *considered* at this point, so at least I'm not fully over the edge yet.

- Watched "One Born Every Minute" on Lifetime in hopes that seeing other women having babies would put me into labor, much as how actually being around another woman in labor can put a full-term mommy into labor. Unfortunately, unlike yawns, active labor is not contagious through television.

- On "One Born Every Minute", there was a very crunchy couple who wanted a completely drug-free birth. (They were actually pretty disrespectful to their labor and delivery nurse. I think they thought she was one of Satan's minions, sent specifically to sabotage their pages-long birth plan at any possible turn.) I do not want a drug-free birth. Bring on the drugs.

But anyway, my point is that at one point in the show, the mom and dad were staring at each other forehead-to-forehead and moaning "ooooooooopen" and rocking back and forth. They were talking to her cervix. It was actually kind of creepy. But when I was brushing my teeth last night, I was thinking about it and I was like, well....you never know. I wasn't going to get as creepy as them, but I figured it couldn't hurt, so I whispered, "Hey.....cervix? Open?" I guess I need to be more assertive, because it didn't work.

- Whenever I get a chance (whenever I am alone), and whenever I have proper furniture or something else to support me, I'll do a couple squats in the hopes that my water will just give up and concede the victory to me. Sadly, my water is currently winning and all I've gotten out of the squats is the urge to pee and sore thighs.

- I have not done this, but I have seriously considered (on at least three separate occasions) busting out the breast pump early because I hear that can cause contractions. Two things have been stopping me. One: I don't want to waste colostrum. Two: I've already sterilized all my pump parts and bottles and I don't feel like doing it again.

- I've given 2.0 a number of stern talking-to's. As of right now, he or she does not seem to subscribe to D's motto of "If you're early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late." Which means the 2.0 is already showing signs of being just like me. Which is terrifying.

- I've pretended to give up and adopt the more zen attitude of "when it happens, it happens". I'm fooling no one. Not my water, not myself and most definitely not 2.0. I'm so unconvincing in this charade that I haven't even tried to say it to anyone outside of myself because I know they'll be unable to keep a straight face, and I really don't want strangulation charges on my hands right now.

(On a slightly related note, is it weird how I feel like 2.0 can read my mind? I don't know why that is, but I find myself talking to 2.0 in my mind, thinking that he or she can totally hear and understand what I'm "saying".)

I know there's other things that are supposed to jump-start labor, but none of them sound appealing to me. I don't really feel like chugging castor oil or using scary "natural" herbs. It's not helpful that it's freezing outside and there's a foot of snow on the ground, which prevents me from getting outside and taking a walk. And D is convinced that going anywhere (aside from work) by myself will cause 2.0 to spontaneously karate chop out of my womb, so I can't even go to the mall to walk around.

So I guess I'll just have to resign myself to "when it happens, it happens." (It's a good thing for every one that I can't hear you laughing at me right now.)