Up until yesterday, it was possible that my husband was a wanted man.
Get your mind out of the gutter! Not wanted in that way. The last time he was wanted in that way, I ended up pregnant with Le Bebe Patterson, Version 2.0. Since then, there hasn't been much wanting in that department. (Somewhere in Scotland, my dad is burying his head in his hands and wishing he could go back to 10 seconds ago and unread that.)
But seriously, D could have possibly had a warrant out for his arrest because he is a delinquent citizen who laughs in the face of his civic duties. (Can you tell I've scolded him about this before?) He got a jury summons this summer and after receiving no response to the letter he sent in asking for excusal based upon the fact that he is the owner, sole operator, lawn cutting, trimming and edging extraordinaire of his landscaping business, he managed to forget about it entirely.
The fact that he got a summons is in itself a touchy subject in our house. He has gotten summonsed at least 3 times already, and I have never been summonsed even once. Not ONCE. This irks me greatly, as I am a great believer in doing my civic duty. I love doing my civic duty. I get excited about voting. I wear my "I Voted" sticker with pride all day long, and if you're going to tell me that you don't vote, be prepared to have me automatically think a little bit less of you. So if you don't vote and don't want me to think less of you, it's probably better that you don't tell me in the first place, unless you don't care what I think of you, which is fine, too.
When D and I started dating, he was not good at doing his civic duty. He not only did not vote, he wasn't even registered to vote. After about a year of playing the role of the "cool" girlfriend who was more "live and let live" than "let me tell you how you should live", I started bothering him about why he didn't vote. He gave me the whole song and dance about his vote just being one vote and not making a difference, and I gave him a series of moving and inspiring...oh, let's call them "discussions" on how that way of thinking is an epidemic and how the majority of the American population think like that, and if they all got out and put in their "just one vote" they would overwhelmingly decide every election.
Not surprisingly, he was suddenly super motivated and registered to vote. I guess he was just so inspired, he couldn't help himself.
Also not surprisingly, he was generally not excited each time he received a jury summons. And the older he gets, the less excited he gets to be summonsed. Each time, he very unpatriotically tries to get out of it. I try to tell him that from a black-and-white viewpoint, he's only delaying the inevitable and he should just go on the original summons date and get it over with because he'll just get called again.
This time, he ended up forgetting all about it. And then like 2 weeks after the day he was supposed to go, I was like "OMG D, YOU ACCIDENTALLY SKIPPED JURY DUTY!" Which was followed by a few days of panic that police officers would soon be knocking at our door, ready to take D downtown to a holding cell that smells of pee and sweat, to which I would have to go to bail him out.
While I was functioning in a cold, gripping fear, D was all like, "Let them arrest me! I've always wanted to be arrested for something stupid."
And I was like, "D, this would not be like the time on The Fresh Prince where Will and Carlton got arrested by the racist police officers for driving too slow in a fancy car. Uncle Phil would not be coming to bail you out and lay the smack down. We are not rich, we are not powerful political figures and we are not James Avery. You would be arrested for breaking the law and we would have to pay money."
And D was like, "Yeah, but think of the great story it would make!" And then my eyes almost fell out of my head from being rolled too hard.
So last night I came home from work and D practically threw a new jury summons at me. "LOOK AT THIS!" he said in a half-bewildered, half-crazed voice. "Those bastards got me again!"
And after I managed to not die from all the laughing, I was like, "Dude, this is a good thing. It means you aren't in contempt of court."
Then he started the whole, "Maybe I can get out of it.." business and I was like, "Um NO. You are not going to do this again. You are going."
So we started talking about it, and he was like, "They better not pick me!"
And I was like, "D, listen. They are not going to pick you. If the fact that you are married into a family of fire fighters and police officers is not enough, there are plenty of other reasons why you will not get picked."
And he said, "Like what?"
As I started going off on all the reasons why they would not pick him, he interrupted me and said, "Excuse me, your honor? I have a note from my wife that lists in explicit detail all the reasons why you should not pick me."
And we laughed, and then I told him that while he was down there handing in my note, he should also let them know that I'm sitting here just dying to be picked for jury duty and ask them when I can expect my summons.